superwick.com

Lately - as in, over the past 6 months or so - I’ve been feeling rather odd. I’ve become this guy who is happy on the outside (when around friends and loved ones, times that are too few and far between recently - I’ll get into that in a moment), yet on the inside I’m generally angry. I don’t know why I’m angry, I just know it’s “general”, in the sense that it’s not anger directed at any one thing or group of things. It could be the state of our planet. It could be caused by stress. It could be that I’ve been mostly single recently (mostly on purpose). It could also be that I’ve been locking myself in my cave for almost a year now, only venturing out when absolutely necessary. Something tells me that last possible reason is the biggie.

It’s weird - I used to go out and have fun with friends quite a bit. I was generally a happy guy, inside and out. The unfortunate drawback of that is most of the time, that “fun” usually involved copious amounts of alcohol and the dangerous behavior that accompanies it. After I broke my leg (which was directly due to my own SUPER-DRUNKEN stupidity), I came to terms with the fact that I needed to cool it down a bit. I needed to lessen my “partying” and become a little more responsible. This is not to say I became a teetotaler, as I still enjoy beer often. I just needed to remove myself from the temptation of going out and drinking too much, and then driving home. So, I moved out of the big city, thinking that this would keep me from drunk-driving at least. And for the most part, it has. I consume a TON less alcohol than I used to.

Sadly, a side-effect of that action was me not doing ANYTHING other than work, work, work, school, school, school, and only the occasional non-work/school activity, such as my weekly band practice, or the occasional holiday thing, or attending a couple parties. I’ve become even more of a homebody. I’m lazier now than I ever have been. I sit for hours a day watching movies, playing XBOX, or surfing the web. Sometimes I take walks, but I’ve even stopped doing that so much. I very rarely visit my friends or even my own parents. This has slowly made me angry at myself.

I’ve been very depressed before - about a dozen years ago when I lived alone in Nashville, TN. I was all alone, had 0 friends, and I never went out of the apartment except to work or buy life’s necessities. I was extremely sad back then. Not many people knew that though, because I never really talked about it. When I moved back to Indiana, I was instantly happier, and loved being with my friends.

I’m not really all that depressed now, but I can see that I could easily become depressed again, if I continue down this path of self-wrought loneliness. I talk to myself a lot (who doesn’t?), and I find that when I do talk to myself, my “tone” is angry and bitter. I silently judge complete strangers every day, out of anger. It’s ridiculous. I need to change.

So, I will.

Hit me up on Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, or comment below!